“Ahh, i can’t remember where i left my keys!” I shout in frustration. But then i remember, they are in my pocket of my jacket. “Ofcourse” thats where i always put them.
I’m going to see my mother today. I hope she remembers me this time. She’s got alzheimer’s. I’m sure most of you know what that means, but for those who don’t, alzheimer’s is the most commor form of dimentia. The brain declines the recent memories in this case with my mother. She remembers the memories of 15 years ago, when i was still 7. So when i visit her, she often does not remember me. And her alzheimer’s is uncurable.
I don’t visit my mother often. It’s not because i dont like her, it’s just still hard to accept that she does not remember me. It’s scary to see her in that kind of state of confusion. Inside it makes me sick and weird because i know that it will only get worse, and there is absolutely nothing we can do about it.
It sometimes even feels like she is… dead. The way she stares into nothingness. She doesn’t move, and breathes very slow. When you stand in front of her she will look at you the same way she looks into the distance. I asked her sometimes what she sees. But trough her broken speech i can barely make anything of it. I think she sees something like little waves and dots. Many waves under each other, like watching a tv that has realy bad reception. And dots like the snow on tv when therr is no reception at all.
It’s scary because i can’t feel what she feels. Sometimes she talks about things that never happened. Or she starts crying out of nowhere. She tells me she doesn’t live where she lives and that she does not want to die yet.
But the scaryest thing is when she looks at me. Just looking without expression. She has darkbrown eyes. Real tired eyes. She just moves her mouth just a little bit, grinding her toothflesh on each other since she doesn’t have any teeth anymore. She looks at me like she doesn’t know me. And them she says “hey” and smiles a little bit.
I know she wants to tell me things. But almost never can she make whole words, let alone sentences. She realy tries to say stuff and she realy wants to tell what she is going trough. But she can’t complete any words. And frustration of being unable to talk, takes over. And she’ll start crying again. I then sit next to her and make her at ease. She needs all the support we can give her.
The things she can say is “yes”, “no” and “i’m thirsty or hungry” and “i need to go to the toilet” but thats it. The rest she speaks is out of frustration, or it’s just all broken words.
But the thing is, i don’t know if i will get this too. And that scares me the most. I can’t remember any birthdays other than the one of my best friend and my own. The little things i forget seem to increase over the years. Being forgetfull is very frusrating.
Written by michael kraus.